At the moment I am receiving treatment in hospital, so any blogging has temporarily stopped. I was granted a days leave today and headed back to Westonbirt which I have been photographing throughout the seasons this year. I was in a black mood when I left the hospital. Having treatment for an eating disorder as an inpatient is not an easy process. The meal times are relentless, physical discomfort a daily occurance, feeling socially overwhelmed most of the time and all the emotions coming back at 100 mph very distressing. Some would assume that recovery from an eating disorder would feel good as soon as someone starts eating. This is not the case at all. It’s long winded and diffcult. You feel much worse before you begin to feel better. Or so I am told. 4 weeks in and I am not at the feeling better stage.
The black mood did not lift when I arrived in the woods, the light wasn’t right for photos, I was passing judgement on everything I took. I couldn’t engage in much conversation with my poor partner. As we explored the arboretum the colour of the trees became relentless. I stopped pulling my photos apart in my mind and just enjoyed getting close up and inside their petals. The relentless cheerfulness of the colours did calm me a little. I loved the leopard print patterns on the rhoderdendrums and we enjoyed watching the bumble bees gorge themselves in pollen.
Todays exploration is a tale of acceptance, accepting my current situaton as it is, not trying to rush it or wish for better. Taking stock of what is right under my nose, making the most of that and allowing myself bad days and not beating myself up when things aren’t perfect. Better days will come and for now I will imprint the colour of today on my mind.